TAT Forum | a spiritual magazine of essays, poetry and humor

self-evaluation

Taking Stock

What do I know for sure about who/what I am?

I have not been able to come up with a credible self-definition that holds water of any kind; in other words, I have no clue.

I know some things I am *not.* I’m not actually Ben. I wasn’t born on my birthday. I don’t know anything about the past or the future. I am now. I am. I have nothing else. But I don’t know what I am. I don’t know where I came from, I don’t know where I’m going. I assume when Ben dies that I will experience no experience, same as deep sleep.

I appear to come up against a block when I try to look at myself or ask who I am.

When questioned as to what the “I” sense is, “I” disappears, but nothing else disappears. This make no sense at all when articulated but would suggest that “I” isn’t “real”—although it’s the only thing I have. This makes no sense either.

I know my birth date is for SURE *not* when I came to be. That makes even less sense … at best I came to be when I first came to be aware of being aware. Perhaps my earliest memory could be my “birth date” but that would only be the birth date of conscious awareness. My earliest memory is almost black and white. I was very small and saw a cat that I desperately wanted to get to. Most subsequent memories were of a sad and scared childhood in an abusive home.

I seem to be what contains ALL. In other words there’s nothing outside of me. Everything I am aware of is inside of my conscious awareness. Everything is an object of my awareness. These things I am not.

Some moments of clarity I’ve had over the years (in chronological order, ages are estimates) along with some salient influences during that time:

Moment 0, Age 20: A girlfriend gave me a book called Awareness by the late Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest. I had the sudden realization that I could watch myself. This caused such a bizarre and sudden shift in my perspective that I had difficulty talking and holding a conversation; it was like an echo on a phone line that interferes with your ability to speak. I marveled at this newfound state of mind. I became convinced I needed to be enlightened. This was the start of an ember that has never fully extinguished.

Influence 1, Age 21: I came across a poster that had a Jiddu Krishnamurti quote on it. It sounded very similar to what I had read in that Awareness book, so I decided to go see what it was all about. This is where I met Art and the Pittsburgh Philosophical Self-Inquiry group and subsequently TAT. I liked confrontation because it was thrilling and fun. It felt like a chess match, thrilling yes, but not productive when I was in the hot seat. I was either over confident or depressed and defensive, vacillating strongly between the two. I later learned that the most value I got out of confrontation was listening while others were questioning someone else in the hot seat. Likely this was because my defenses were then down.

Moment 1, Age 24: A teacher/coach in a self help system I was participating in was trying to communicate something ineffable he had personally come to see. He demonstrated it by telling me to watch closely what he was about to say next. Instead of saying a word, he made a nonsense noise. In that instant my mind froze for a beat, and I was aware of the emptiness that had occurred. For some reason this created an absolute elation in me that lasted for three days. I felt invulnerable, and yet open and friendly with people and co-workers that I hadn’t previously liked. They couldn’t hurt me and I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. Very similar to Moment 0 but more encompassing, and instead of feeling like I was just watching my speech and thoughts, I was watching my whole life.

Moment 2, Age 27: I was driving to work after a morning of duck hunting, and as I was driving I experienced an instant in time where everything was stopped. It was only an instant, but it was startling. I saw for myself that the world could just as well be completely dead and motionless as alive and moving. In fact, in that instant the world was completely motionless. This was slightly scary and did not result in any extended residual effects.

Influence 2, Age 29: I moved back to Pittsburgh into an ashram in order to devote myself to the search and be closer to TAT meetings and the Rose farm. I did a number of isolations, workshops, attended TAT meetings and PSI and attempted celibacy (many times over!). Nothing really “worked.” I was also very depressed during this period.

Moment 3, Age 30: At a TAT meeting during a late night marathon confrontation session someone was in the hot seat and the questioner was asking something about being aware of being aware of an object. Suddenly and instantaneously as I was looking across the room at the brick wall, the wall “looked back at me.” Basically the wall and I were reflecting each other; the wall was me for an instant. This was only for an instant, but it catapulted me into another elated state of mind that caused me to leave the session and sit outside as my mind was going 100 miles an hour. For the next few days I had the curious experience of being awake while being asleep. This sounds crazy, but it’s the only way explain it. In retrospect I think I was basically in some sort of constant lucid dream, without the classic ability to “do what I wanted to.” But I was aware of being asleep. I actually think this happened while in deep sleep too, but I can’t be sure, since this was such an unusual state of mind for me, and it sounds highly suspect to claim something like this.

Influence 3, Age 31: I attended church and 12 Step groups (traditional and church-based). I became “born-again.” I quit the seeking and decided I was going to become a householder. I felt like a fraud and that I had wasted years on the search. I came to the conclusion that I was playing No Game and instead committed myself to the Householder Game, which I felt was a step in the more honest direction. [See The Master Game: Pathways to Higher Consciousness by Robert DeRopp. - Ed.] I quit TAT and confrontation groups and gave away the “TAT” canon I had amassed over the years. I kept one or two books that didn’t cause the same allergic reaction in me.

Moment 4, Age 32: After an intense period of personal afflictions, I had another period of the detached-observer experience. This time it lasted for almost a week (although at the time I thought it might last forever, it decidedly did *not*). I was again overcome by this feeling of being untouchable, not in a manic or crazed sense, but in the sense that “I” wasn’t there to be touched. I was on the outside looking in. I had the same feelings of happiness and peace. I found it hard to work and went on extended walks just enjoying and observing with what seemed to be a quiet mind.

Moment 5, Age 37: After 5 years of learning to be a good “animal” in the world, I had a moment of clarity while traveling for work. I had seen a pond on my daily drive go through periods of glassy flat reflections and wind tossed surfaces that were obscuring the reflections. One day it was glassy flat again, but this time I saw straight to the bottom. I suddenly saw that this was like my mind. And if I ever wanted a chance at seeing “deeper” I needed to quiet the mind. I bought I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj and was able to read and even understand some of it for the first time.

Current Period: I restarted a meditation practice, initially for stress reasons, but quickly found myself re-engaging in self-inquiry with the help of Sam Harris’s app “Waking Up,” which I highly recommend. This regular practice has reignited the ember that was lit 17 years ago. I hope I have enough time left to figure this thing out…

quill icon

~ Thanks to Ben E. Image from clipartmax.com. Comments or questions? Please email reader commentary to the .

Return to the main page of the September 2022 TAT Forum.

TAT Foundation News

It's all about "ladder work" – helping and being helped

Local Group News

(This is a complete listing of local groups. See the main page section for just the groups with recently updated information.)

New listing for Aiken, SC:
Looking to start a self-inquiry group ... finding like-minded people to talk about Richard Rose and his teachings either online or in-person in a home setting ... to question what it means to find our true selves.
~ Email .

Amsterdam coat of arms

Update for the Amsterdam, NL Self-Inquiry Group:
The group is not holding meetings currently, but email for information.

fancy bird

Update from the Central New Jersey Self Inquiry:
Our group is now meeting every other Sunday at 6pm eastern time. The topic of our most recent meeting: In almost all spiritual traditions, reaching the final "goal" means eliminating the "I", the "Sense of Self", or the "Ego". And to do so, for most people it means generally weakening this "I" gradually till it disappears. ~ For meeting info: facebook.com/groups/429437321740752.

tiger

Update from the Central Ohio Non-Duality Group:
The Columbus, Ohio self-inquiry group, now known as the Central Ohio Non-Duality Group, has continued to meet virtually on Tuesday evenings at 6:30PM during the Coronavirus pandemic. Please email one of the people's names below if you wish to get a link to the meeting. Meeting format involves discussion of topics of interest to seekers and often bridges from the concerns, questions and interests of the core members in attendance into the topic which we intend to discuss. We look forward to the easing of restrictions to the point where we feel comfortable meeting again in person. ~ For further information, contact , , or . We're also on Facebook.

Irish clover

Update from the Dublin, Ireland self-inquiry group:
We meet every second Wednesday on Zoom. We are working using two different approaches. The first is the standard confrontation approach of people giving an update on what was coming for them in the previous period, in terms of their path. The second is the distribution of a piece in advance for reflection. We will continue in this vein for the time being, using either a general update or a piece for reflection shared in advance. ~ Contact for more information.

email icon crystal

Update from the email self-inquiry groups:
The Women's Online Confrontation (WOC) group consists of weekly reports where participants can include:
     > What is on your mind?
     > Any projects that you want to be held accountable for?
     > Responses to a selected excerpt (in the previous report).
     > Comments/responses/questions for other participants.
     A philosophical/spiritual excerpt with two or three questions is included in each report. Based on what we share, participants ask questions to help get clarity about our thinking. The intention is to help each other see our underlying beliefs about who we are.
     One rule we try to adhere to is not to give advice or solve problems. The number of participants, to make it work efficiently, is between 4 and 7 including the leader.

We continue to have two men's email groups active. Since the beginning of the year, four participants have left and one other participant has returned. The weekly reports function like slow-motion self-inquiry confrontation meetings, which has its pros and cons. We alternate by asking each other questions one week then answering them the following week. Participants provide brief updates of highlights from the previous week and optional updates on progress toward objectives that they use the reports for accountability on.
Both the women's and the men's email groups welcome serious participants. ~ Contact or for more information.

TAT Press publishes Anima's and Art's book: Always Right Behind You: Parables & Poems of Love & Completion.

squirrel

Update from the Gainesville, FL self-inquiry group:
The Alachua County library reopened its meeting rooms on July 5th, and we were the first group to meet after the reopening. We decided to change our meeting day from Sunday to Saturday, at the same time as previously (2 to 4 PM). Our first meeting was on July 10th, and subsequent meetings are scheduled for alternate Saturdays with an occasional extra week between meetings due to holidays or the TAT meeting schedule and our group's associated retreats. ~ Email or for more information.

TAT Press publishes three of Art's books: Solid Ground of Being: A Personal Story of the Impersonal, Beyond Relativity: Transcending the Split Between Knower & Known and Sense of Self: The Source of All Existential Suffering?

school

Update from Galway, Ireland:
Tess Hughes is starting a women's group on Wednesday evenings, 7pm Dublin time, using Zoom.It will begin mid September. Sessions last 90-120 minutes usually. Anyone who's interested in joining can contact .

TAT Press publishes Tess's easy to read, profound This Above All, the story of her journey of Self-Discovery.

virtual meeting

Update from the GMT Support Group for Seekers:
We meet every Sunday gmt 18.30, live on Google Meet. Rapport and confrontation, talk and exchange. Someone mostly brings a theme, like a text, poem or whatever to set the mood. Then 10 minutes of silent rapport after which everyone gets their turn on the "hot seat" for 10-15 minutes—the group listens to what the person has to say about the theme then asks friendly questions—depending on how many participants we are. The questioning is aimed at providing material for self-inquiry. There have been sessions in which we just chatted, but that is more the exception. ~ Contact

The GMT support group group held a weekend intensive retreat in West Sussex, UK on Friday-Sunday, Nov. 12–13.
On the weekend of 12-14th November a small number of people gathered for an in-person spiritual retreat in West Sussex U.K. The aim was to foster a spirit of friendship and provide a face to face retreat for TAT interested European folks with the theme of ‘Make Your Whole Life a Prayer’.
Tess Hughes joined us via Zoom and Peter O. made a moving talk about his life and spiritual path. Freddie L. offered a very powerful guided meditation, we conducted Harding experiments, rapport, and it was a great opportunity for discussion and a deepening of friendship. We hope to run another similar retreat sometime next year.

See "A Seeker-Organized Weekend Intensive Retreat" for feedback from participants including a poem by one of them. ~ E-mail for more details.

koi

Update from the Greensburg, PA self-inquiry group:
I am meeting every Saturday morning with three of my former Greensburg SIG group participants who are into non-dualist paths, such as Adyashanti and Mooji. There is also another participant, a professional psychologist who is interested in eastern philosphy and who wasn't in my SIG group but makes a great addition to our proceedings. These fellows are sincere seekers. We spend our time discussing our respective paths and comparing notes. Our new venue is a place called the White Rabbit Cafe in Greensburg. I'm hoping that the lull here has ended and that we're ready to be more dynamic again.
~ Contact if interested in local self-inquiry meetings.

bluebonnet

An update from the self-inquiry group in Houston, TX:
The backyard patio meetings are now moved to Zoom meetings, which take place at 4 pm on Saturdays. There are 3 active and inspired participants right now. Topics vary from Mr. Rose's writings to "What is on your mind?" ~ Contact for more information.

champaign waiter

"Ignoramuses Anonymous" blog
Ignoramuses Anonymous is for seekers to explore questions together…a fellowship of seekers for whom ignorance of the absolute truth had become a major problem. It started as a blog for Pittsburgh PSI meeting members back in 2009. Welcoming discussion on the path.
Ig Anon looks inactive again. The idea is to have a kind of seeker’s blog to process our thinking out loud and hopefully also help seekers new to group work see what we’re thinking about and if it resonates. My feeling is shorter posts in a range of 100-300 words are easier to put together and probably to read than recent 1000-word posts; however, there are no rules about it.

Wordpress.com free tier is starting to look like Times Square with all its ads. I think the blog needs to be hosted somewhere to really restart it, and will try first at Firstknowthyself.org. Once it's moved, then it would be great to see if it can be useful again!

See this post from a Four-day isolation retreat at TAT Center, with photos and YouTube clips.

umbrella man

Update from the Lynchburg, VA self-inquiry group:
We have been meeting on Thursday evenings from 7pm—8:30pm, online, via zoom. Norio Kushi, Paul Rezendes, and Bob Harwood are consistent guests. We've also had some other interesting characters show up from time to time. Topics come from readings or questions brought up by our members. These are sent out, along with the zoom invitation each week. Recently we posted some "considerations" for joining our group:
** Try to frame your comments as questions to Norio, Paul, or Bob. Draw these questions from you own experience rather than generalities. Maintain attention and discussion on the question rather than philosophical musings.
** Question other participants, in the spirit of group-assisted self inquiry, but without attempting to lead them to any particular conclusion or bring attention to yourself.
**Allow for and attend to the silence and the space that is always present. When you aren't speaking, see that as your role—to hold that space.
**Question, in yourself, the use of personal story-telling and quoting others—though sometimes both are helpful and appropriate.
**Consider the way in which you are listening. Does it have a quality of acquisitiveness or openness?
**Continue to question your own intention for coming to this meeting and let that guide any comments/questions/discussion.
~ Please contact or if you're interested in being on the email list.

NYC-NJ retreat The New York City and the Central New Jersey self-inquiry groups held a day-long intensive retreat in NYC on Saturday, November 9th.
> Feedback: I liked the process of everyone getting to know each other, and seeing people that might have started off as suspicious of each other(!) at the beginning become more like friends at the end(!). We did activities related to Byron Katie's The Work, "the I and the You," and how identity is formed in childhood. Looking forward to the next one…!
> Feedback: I enjoyed seeing how the participants came up with exercises for the group. Another item which was well done, was the development of "rules for engagement" at the beginning of the day—which helped set the proper tone for a productive day together. Enjoyed making new friends.

dove

Update from the New York City self-inquiry group:
The New York City Self-Inquiry group meets by Zoom every Monday from 6-8 PM EST. The link is https://us02web.zoom.us/j/3098361863?pwd=anY5OFlMT0pNMld6VXJDb0Z2SjY0UT09. For those joining by phone, the number is +1 929 205 6099 US (New York), with Meeting ID: 309 836 1863, and Passcode: 895478. More details, as well as our weekly discussion topics, are available on our MeetUp page (link above) and via email at .

dragon

Update for the Online Self-Inquiry Book Club:
The book club is now meeting monthly on Richard Rose'sPsychology of the Observer: The Path to Reality Through the Self by John Kent and will sync up with the new ProBoard book club discussion board on the Kent publication. Upcoming meeting schedule:
> Sep. 18: John Kent Thesis Chapter 13: Meditation (part 2)
"With the seeker's foundation now in place and the necessary preparations made, we come to the central theme in any esoteric teaching: meditation. In the Albigen System, genuine meditation—or going within—is defined as: "Finding reality by finding the real part of oneself." The final objective of the practice is to arrive at the true state-of-mind, or ultimate sanity, which is considered to be synonymous with Self-Realization...."
> Oct. 16: John Kent Thesis Chapter 14: The Psychology of Observation and Perception
> Nov. 20: John Kent Thesis Chapter 15: Jacob's Ladder
~ For more information on book club participation, see the meeting website (link above). TAT Forum readers are welcome to drop in any time (invitation to Sunday meetings).

video meeting

Update from the recently listed Online Video Confrontation Group:
The Monday Night Online Confrontation Group is going strong with a core group of participants and room for a few more. Now meeting at 7:30 pm EST (previously at 7 pm), using the online video conference platform from Zoom. The goal of the group is to practice confrontation/group self-inquiry. ~ If you're interested, email or .
Isaac and AJ interviewed Art Ticknor on their Plant Cunning Podcast series, where they "invite herbalists, ethnobotanists, farmers, mages, fungi experts, community organizers and all kinds of other interesting people to the microphone to share their wisdom and experiences with us": Self Realization with Art Ticknor.

owl

Update from the Pittsburgh, PA self-inquiry group:

We began meeting in public in 2016, a reincarnation of self-inquiry groups with a legacy back to 1972 when Richard Rose attended in person. We have half a dozen core members committed to self-inquiry, with adjacent serious interests in Gurdjieff, Christian Mysticism, Buddhism, Krishnamurti-Boehm, Nisargadatta, Ramana Maharshi and other avenues of self-inspection. Our meetings feature group confrontation oriented toward a particular topic related to self-inquiry. New attendees by choice may or may not engage in the exchanges in our meetings which average five to eight participants.

Although "Pittsburgh" is in our name, attendees represent from GMT-3 to GMT+5 time zones, and from Canada to South America. We have TAT members and teachers from other locations often host our meetings to demonstrate the depth and breadth of TAT membership, encouraging further communication and participation in other TAT groups and events.

We invite any curious inquirer to participate in any of the following events:
- Every Wednesday 8-10 PM EST regular Zoom group confrontation meeting.
- Monthly on Sundays joint confrontation meeting with the Dublin, Ireland group.
- Monthly on Sundays joint meeting with the Online Book Club discussing John Kent's dissertation on Rose's Psychology of the Observer chapter by chapter.
- Monthly Monday 7-9 PM in-person meetings have resumed in the Oakland (college) part of Pittsburgh.

Online group confrontation and individual contributions every Wednesday, 8:00 pm via Zoom.
Email selfinquirer (link below) to receive invitation to monthly in-person meetings in Pittsburgh.
- Wed, Sep 7: Shawn Pethel is host: "On the Path, ignorance is believing in the illusion. When the illusion falls away, you are freed from the burden of belief. To find the illusion, follow the signal—it manifests as longing, curiosity, suffering."
- Wed, Sep 14: Len S. is host: The Power of Adversity: "Without adversity, everything would lose strength and die."
- Sun, Sep 18, 3:15 PM ET: Dan G's monthly chapter by chapter discussion of John Kent's dissertation on Rose and the "Psychology of the Observer," Ch 14: "Meditation" part 2 (can be downloaded here: https://www.searchwithin.org/johnkent/Chapter_14.html).
- Wed, Sept 21: Shawn Nevins is host: Topic TBA.
- Sun, Sep 25: Dublin-based and Pittsburgh-based Joint Confrontation Meeting, 2-4pm EST; Patrick K. is host: "Diminution of Pride" based on a chapter from Hubert Benoit's The Interior Realisation.
- Wed, Sep 28: Gloria N is host: "Love and Suffering as Paths of Liberation...looking through Christian, Buddhist and Sufí traditions."

All Forum subscribers are welcome to join us. Email to receive weekly topics with preparatory notes and Zoom invitations. Current events are listed on Meetup as Pittsburgh Self-inquiry Group (link above) and on www.pghsig.org.

gold miner

Update from the Portland, OR self-inquiry group:
A small group of us meet most Sundays at a coffee shop. The format for our meetings is to give each person 20 minutes or so to talk about whatever is coming up for them in their practice and to answer questions from the others. ~ Email for more information.

cabin sailboat

Update from the Raleigh, NC Triangle Inquiry Group:
We're continuing with Zoom online meetings for now--first and third Tuesdays of each month. Interested? ~ Email for more details.

Morris Minor

Update for the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area TAT Center:
Bob Fergeson spent a year as resident teacher before returning to Colorado in March. Mark Wintgens continues as our chief-seeker in residence and invaluable caretaker. He is looking forward to hosting retreats and meetings for local group members as well as all TAT seekers. And TAT is looking forward to the possibility of hosting the August 2021 TAT meeting at the Center. ~ Email for information about the TAT Center.

giraffe

Update from the Richmond Self Inquiry Group:
There isn't a Richmond self inquiry group at the moment…it never really got off the ground. I'm considering a few different approaches for round three, but it'll be at least a few months away before that takes form. ~ Email for information about future meetings and events.

Bay Bridge

Update from the San Francisco Bay area self-inquiry group:
See the Shawn Nevins interview by Iain McNay of Conscious.tv, kicking off the publication of Shawn's book Subtraction: The Simple Math of Enlightenment. ~ Email for information about upcoming meetings and events.

TAT Press publishes Shawn's Images of Essence: The Standing Now, which features his poems with photos by Bob Fergeson, The Celibate Seeker: An Exploration of Celibacy as a Modern Spiritual Practice, Subtraction: The Simple Math of Enlightenment, and Hydroglyphics: Reflections on the Sacred, which features his poems with photos by Phaedra Greenwood.

flower1

Update from the Washington DC Area Self-Inquiry Discussion Group:
[This group was previously listed as the Rockville, MD self-inquiry group.] We've been meeting monthly at Rockville, MD Memorial Library. While the library is closed for public health reasons, we're participating more in a weekly online book club. Forum readers are welcome to participate. ~ For more information, please email or see the website http://firstknowthyself.org/virtual/.

Downloadable/rental versions of the Mister Rose video and of April TAT talks Remembering Your True Desire:

"You don't know anything until you know Everything...."

Mister Rose is an intimate look at a West Virginia native many people called a Zen Master because of the depth of his wisdom and the spiritual system he conveyed to his students. Profound and profane, Richard Rose was not the kind of man most people picture when they think of mystics or spiritual teachers. Yet, he was the truest of teachers, one who had "been there," one who had the cataclysmic experience of spiritual enlightenment.

Filmed in the spring of 1991, the extraordinary documentary follows Mr. Rose from a radio interview, to a university lecture and back to his farm, as he talks about his experience, his philosophy and the details of his life.

Whether you find him charming or offensive, fatherly or fearsome, you will not forget him, and never again will you think about yourself, reality, or life after death in quite the same way.

3+ hours total. Rent or buy at tatfoundation.vhx.tv/.

2012 April TAT Meeting – Remembering Your True Desire

Includes all the speakers from the April 2012 TAT meeting: Art Ticknor, Bob Fergeson, Shawn Nevins and Heather Saunders.

1) Remembering Your True Desire ... and Acting on It, by Art Ticknor
Spiritual action is like diving for the Pearl beyond Price. What do you do when you don't know what to do or how to do it? An informal discussion centered around the question: "What prevents effective spiritual action?"

2) Swimming in the Inner Ocean: Trips to the Beach, by Bob Fergeson
A discussion of the varied ways we can use in order to hear the voice of our inner ocean, the heart of our true desires.

3) A Wider and Wilder Vision, by Shawn Nevins
Notes on assumptions, beliefs, and perspectives that bind and free us.

4) Make Your Whole Life a Prayer, by Heather Saunders
An intriguing look into a feeling-oriented approach to life.

5+ hours total. Rent or buy at tatfoundation.vhx.tv/.

Return to the main page of the September 2022 TAT Forum.

Inspiration & Irritation

Irritation moves us; inspiration provides a direction

healthy living

Here is a table I came up with after my vector [effort in a direction - Ed.] kind of ran aground lately. After doing a retreat and generally continuing my efforts with self-inquiry, I got a surge of validation about myself being where I want to be, doing what is the most important thing I want to be doing. But instead of using this sense of validation wisely, a really old, forgotten behaviour came to the fore where the sense of validation just kinda sent my ego off on a rampage believing in my own delusions of grandeur. It shocked me because I thought I was past all that.

Working through the heavy sting of embarrassment, regret and shame in the aftermath, I racked my brain to come up with something that would keep me cognisant of my healthy convictions so as to not fall victim of ego like this again. I feel my healthy convictions are important for me to check in on regularly because, with life being difficult to stay on top of all the time, it is very easy for me to forget them and just generally lose track. I hope this is of value to other seekers who may go off track from time to time; maybe doing something similar would help to keep a sense of focus and groundedness and perhaps help save a vector from running aground. Looking back, I wish I was more focused, but hopefully there will be a silver lining somewhere as a result of my own crashing. The intention to keep a regular check on the table below will be a start:

CONVICTION STATE
MY MAXIMUM POSSIBILITY FOR POSITIVITY

4 Areas of Neurosis	Rationale	Belief Strength
1. Food/Diet	Need to be disciplined with regard to food as when I indulge in food beyond the stated plan it weakens all other disciplines.	8/10
2. Sex	Any time I choose to allow my eyes/mind to indulge impressions from sex associations, I am submitting to the force of sex to exert pressure on my mind. I therefore forfeit the maximum control that I can have on my mind and leave my mind more prone to sex attack.	8/10
3. Beliefs	The only way to freedom is by backing away from beliefs about what I am, not by adding better ones. My negative self-image clashes with my desire to develop positive relationships, which causes friction. Failure and stagnancy in this area can lead to indulgence and self-soothing in areas 1 and 2.	7/10
4. Existential Angst	The only way to solve this problem is to realise Self. No amount of empire building, controlling/running the world, status, achievements, judging the state of the world and others, self-aggrandising, security, affection from others, etc., will do it. Who am I to stand in judgment of a world I know nothing about? I didn't create it and will take my leave of it in due time. Let it be.	7/10

I feel a "healthy conviction state" is something important for a seeker to work on, lest he falls foul to more exoteric attractions and identifications for the ego. Feel I am talking from experience :-). I put together my table that I am working on to help protect and develop my vector for the future. Feels like I can't go too far wrong if I just stick to it.

~ Thanks to Patrick K. Image from the Sun Text Free Icons Library.

Return to the main page of the September 2022 TAT Forum.

Reader Commentary

Encouraging interactive readership among TAT members and friends

Thanks to Michael R. for the set of Reader Commentary questions for the September TAT Forum:

Where are you? Where do you feel yourself to be? Are you inside the body or is the body inside you? Are you inside the mind or is the mind inside you?

The complete response from Sarah J:
Funny question because I used to feel my mind to be inside my head, looking out through my eyes, but I don't now.

I experience my mind inside my pain, experiencing the world, my life, through pain. There is a lot of physical pain - nerve damage from a spinal injury and with it a very odd and displaced feeling of the centre of my body; there is a medical term, but I don't remember it. There is pain in my legs but it is from the central displacement I experience and feel my mind is located. I hadn't noticed the change. This only now feels a little uncanny.

I feel guilty about TAT and about answering this question. I have become completely disillusioned with 'enlightenment'. This attitude started to burn during covid. There was a dearth of awareness of the whole narrative not hanging together. I felt cynical about 'awakened awareness' in relation to the covid narrative and manipulated fear. I expected awareness to be aware, mature, not subject to fake contagions of the ego. This may be Maya but there is bullshit within Maya: manipulation, fear mongering, lies.

During a break within a TAT retreat my computer was on. I had a coffee and something to eat. I was across the room and a few of the retreat leaders were chatting together, talking of covid. I wasn't paying much attention but I felt uneasy. I pricked up my ears the way you do when something you identify with, (in this case New Zealand) is mentioned. They complimented our 'success' as if we were a kind of lucky exemplar. They had no inkling anything was wrong with what they were hearing. I don't mean with NZ's false 'success', but the whole palaver.

We had come out of the earliest, strictest lockdown - to 'normal life'. Apparently we were a success, a kind of model. But it wasn't normal at all. It was eerie. We had changed. Information was still restricted, on every subject. The government told us just what it considered we needed to know. People weren't talking freely. We had begun the process of not being allowed to know anything about anything. The media still asked no questions and behaved like Pravda, approving, adoring, the government script. And they continued parroting the same international covid lines. Simplistic and inane. Normality, such as it was, never recommenced. The population was infantalized and acted as if in a trance.

The media still fuels division as actual information shows we had merely delayed the covid deaths, we are fast catching up with the world death toll. And implementing this delay wrought many more unnecessary deaths of the young, not instead of, but in addition to covid claiming the vulnerable.

We are divided and more alienated than ever and seemingly too arrogant to admit we were wrong.

The trance of the faux 'team of five million' continues in a slightly reduced form. We still can't really talk anymore. I don't know if we can come together again. The pointless, manufactured scapegoating of sceptics and those who chose not to be vaccinated continues. Few suggest the vaccine makes any real difference now, it is just a moral marker. There is some imagining of a high ground about the cruelty that was unleashed. The divides, the disconnection, the faux left\right hostility, enthusiasm for nuclear war.....

My point is that we look to spiritual leadership when we get lost but it seems there isn't any. The enlightened were just as influenced by a few well placed ego shocks, became just as entranced, just as self-deluded. We needed enlightenment and guidance and we got egotism.

This time isn't just another thing, and it isn't over. I won't even be surprised if I wake up tomorrow to news that the West is officially at war with Russia and China. And I'd expect continued eagerness - a flurry of insane excitment. I don't know what is going on, but the world seems to be in the ironic position of waiting for the enlightened to wake up.

I was voting on the entries for the new book but I couldn't carry on because I don't believe in it anymore. I feel guilty, but what does it mean now? Just the hope of attaining a safe feel-good drug? That's understandable and I could certainly use a hit, but it doesn't feel like a quest for ultimate truth, or ultimate anything.

I don't believe that this is what Richard Rose found and aspired to pass on. As I understand it, his life was service, and evidenced a deep responsibility to this crazy world, to integrity. Maya or not.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It is just my truth and I certainly don't expect you to publish it.

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